Things were bad right from the start, but I was too young and naive to see it. That’s why you picked me, isn’t it? I was so trusting, and innocent. I had no idea you were broken, no idea our relationship wasn’t normal. I believed you when you told me I was messing up, and I didn’t question you. You could control me, keep me at arms length, and enjoy all the effort I gave into making our “relationship” a success.
And then, one day, I started to notice. Notice how controlling you are, how you turned everything I had issues with back on me, and how you never admitted you were wrong. I notice how you never listened to me on anything, and would later tell me the same truth after you heard it from another source. I noticed how you discounted my opinions and called me a hypochondriac whenever I felt sick. I noticed how you kept me separate from your friends and your social life, and resisted any efforts on my part to make couple friends we could hang out with together.
I noticed how you left me to grieve my grandfathers death alone, and didn’t give me so much as a hug. I noticed how you hid my engagement ring and let me search frantically for an hour before you told me you had it, and how you thought that was funny even though I was in tears.
I noticed how you lied to your friends, your boss, and your family, easily and without a good reason, just because you didn’t feel like doing something. I noticed when you told me about the drugs you did for the entire time we were dating/engaged, how you changed when you stopped doing them. I noticed that I never even knew you had been lying to me then. And how you thought that that revelation shouldn’t change a single thing in our marriage.
I noticed when you complained about how boring the hospital is while I was recovering from having our first child and pushed me to rush us home, and how you discounted all my pain and discomfort during my second pregnancy even while I was working 6 days a week at our business and taking care of a four year old.
I noticed how you never helped me in our business, even as you yelled and raged at me for how poorly things were being run (in your opinion) and how I needed to do more at the shop. I noticed how even when you committed to doing something, I ended up being the one to take care of it. And I noticed how you took and took and took money without contributing at all. To the extent that we ended up having to close the doors. I noticed how you blamed me for that too.
I noticed how you have discounted, dismissed, and mocked all of my accomplishments over the last 13 years. How you tell me the things I’ve done don’t count because they weren’t as good as what someone else did. You tell me I don’t follow through with anything, but you sabotage my efforts and make me feel horrible, and then throw it in my face if I do anything different than what you would do.
I notice how you talk about people behind their backs and say horrible, judgmental things about them. And I checked your phone, I saw how you say those same things about me too. How you mock me and only refer to me as the wife, as though I am not anything more. I notice how you put me down in public and deliberately humiliate me in front of our friends, in order to tell a story or try and make yourself look good.
I noticed when you lied to me about where you were, how you had your friends lie to cover for you. I noticed when you did it again and again. I noticed when I accused you of doing drugs again, how you flipped out and suddenly started talking about how you weren’t cheating on me and never would. I noticed how you suddenly started accusing me of cheating, of wanting to be with someone else, even though I almost never leave the house. I realize that your projecting, and I realize your the one sleeping around.
I notice how you keep trying to force me back to the girl I used to be, the young, naive, trusting girl who thought you were amazing and that I was lucky. But you don’t realize, all the things I’ve noticed I cant un-see. I cant go back to that girl because I’ve seen who you really are. I don’t like you, I don’t respect you, there is nothing about your character I admire. And I cant go back.
There are a few other things Ive noticed as well. I noticed how I ran a quarter million dollar business single-handedly while juggling two small girls and a horrible pregnancy. I noticed how I had a lot of wonderful customers who loved me and would stop by just to say hi. I noticed how I managed to go to school part time on top of that and keep up with my classes. I noticed that despite how lonely I was every day, I still managed to succeed at getting everything I needed to get done, done.
I noticed how I have managed to keep our family fed despite your inability to leave us money for food and diapers. I notice how the girls come to me when they need love or support and how happy they are every day. I notice how I have built three great websites and how much I have learned about the internet and running a blog, about social media and internet marketing, and about how much opportunity there is for me now.
I notice how I have managed to find and keep a few good friends who love me, and how my family is right there for me despite your attempts to cut me off. I notice how I’m still a kind, loving and forgiving person. How I’m smart and strong, and braver than I ever knew. I noticed how no matter what I’m facing, I don’t let it overwhelm me for long, and I figure out a plan and move forward with hope. I noticed how my faith has changed and grown with all the pain I have dealt with, how I no longer look for God to save me, but realize He has given me all I need in order to save myself. I realize that He has blessed me and that I am more powerful than I ever knew.
And I realize, the more I see the good in myself, the more I realize how amazing I am as a woman and as a mom and as a human being, the more you try and bring me down, and the further apart we get.
Its too late to save any resemblance of “us”. It was too late the first time I told you you hurt me and you made it my fault. It was too late on our honeymoon when you got mad and gave me the silent treatment. If I’m being totally honest, it was too late the day we met.
But I cant regret it, its made me who I am and I have two wonderful girls that I love with all my heart. I don’t even hate you, though some days I wish I could. I’m sad for you, because you don’t even know what your missing. And some day your daughters will be old enough to see you for who you really are as well, and they will distance themselves from you the same as I have.
I’m sad for the life we should have had, if you were able to be a real partner. Its hard to accept that we will be divorced, that I’ll have to miss my girls some days, that the life I imagined was never going to be a reality, but I guess that’s how it goes. No one gets married imagining splitting up one day. But I forgive you. I wont hate you or bad mouth you to the kids. I wont try and keep them from you or “make you pay”. That’s not who I am and I refuse to hurt the kids to try and “get even” for everything you have done to me.
Its going to suck, this splitting up. But not as bad as I thought it would at first. See, these last few years I have gradually come to accept it as inevitable, it doesn’t shock me or make me want to die anymore. I’m not curled up on the floor sobbing. I have had those days, and maybe I will have a few more, but I think I’m mostly past that. I see now, you will never love me. And I deserve better, I deserve to be loved, wildly, passionately, deeply. I deserve to be KNOWN, and accepted, and appreciated. And these are things you are not capable of, or refuse to do. I don’t imagine I will find a perfect man, there is no such thing, but I wont settle for crumbs in a relationship ever again. I would rather be alone than with someone who makes me lonely.
Even though thinking about the future scares me, I know I’m going to be okay. A path will appear as I need it and I only need to take one step at a time. I realize that. I am not trapped, or stuck, or doomed to stay with you forever. I will be just fine.
Forever Not Yours~
Sam
Original article and pictures take www.narcissistswife.com site
Комментариев нет:
Отправить комментарий